Posts Tagged ‘Golden Anniversary’
What I Have Learned from 50 Years of Marriage
Shirley and I recently celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. We traveled by ferry to the prettiest city on the west coast–Victoria, British Columbia, Canada–for the weekend. We’d been there many times since 1999, but not for eighteen years (due to caring for elderly parents.)
We spent two nights at a lovely hotel that showcased a nearly panoramic view of the harbor with sea planes zooming by, kayakers paddling, and ferries coming and going. At night the entire city lights up, highlighted by the Parliament Building directly across the harbor.
On our Golden Anniversary (Saturday, October 10) we visited the world famous Butchart Gardens. Sunday dawned with the running of the Royal Victoria Marathon (as we’d experienced in past anniversaries) with 17,000 participants and multitudes cheering them on. The finish line was right across from ferry terminal where we boarded for the return trip. We felt like they were also cheering us for our 50 years of wedlock.
Only six percent of Americans make it to their Golden Anniversary.
Here’s what I’ve learned from 50 years of marriage.
What I Have Learned from 50 Years of Marriage
Marriage/family is the greatest discipleship course in the world. God created it as a primary means for transforming us into his loving image. God uses marriage not only to expand his heavenly kingdom (through the birth of children) but to teach us to die to self, live for others, and become more like Jesus.
Here are a few of the lessons I’ve learned.
- Marriage is a gift from God
Recently a person who was reading my autobiography (One Small Life) remarked: “God sovereignly brought you and Shirley together, didn’t he?” That answer was an easy yes. I traveled the world looking for a wife, then came back to my hometown for a brief period and found her in a revival. She was a gift to me. We knew almost instantly we were to marry. Our hearts beat the same to serve God, yet we brought opposite strengths into the union to make a better “whole.” God knew who each other needed.
“Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD” (Proverbs 19:4). Shirley is my greatest gift on earth from Jesus.
- Choose a godly spouse who demonstrates Christ-like character.
Here is my main marriage advice to young people: Choose a noble spouse–one with character i.e. the fruits of the Spirit. (The choice to marry is the biggest one you make on earth. Choose well.) Next, I add: “Then, do what she says!” Usually the bride-to-be laughs at that comment and I quickly add, “It goes both ways.” Both of you must learn to submit to one another.
Character is destiny. Choosing a godly life partner propels you both to fulfill your God-given purposes.
- Communicate with each other clearly and transparently, but with self-control.
Happy married couples must learn to communicate well. Before we got married, Shirley and I had a time of openness and brokenness with each other confessing our past sins. We didn’t want to bring any unknown skeletons into our marriage. We have continued to be vulnerable and open with each other for the past 50 years. Transparent communication builds trust.
In our later years, I’m learning to control my speech on certain subjects which might be hurtful to Shirley. This is not keeping secrets, just discerning what is edifying to communicate. I was more of an open book early on. I’m more of a “wise read” in our latter years. “Quick to hear, slow to speak.”
- Focus on the strengths your spouse brings to marriage–not the weaknesses.
Our fallen minds tend to exaggerate each other’s faults. We all have them. If we focus on the faults, our “glass” of marriage will seem more empty than full. It’s not. But our eyes can become skewed.
I have learned over 50 years to admire and magnify Shirley’s strengths. I need them desperately in my life because many of her positives are my greatest weaknesses. I must learn daily from her if I am to become more like Jesus. When both of us cherish and value the strengths God has given us, love grows.
- Base your marriage on humility and forgiveness.
The key to number four is seeing your spouse through the eyes of humility–which I believe is the atmosphere of heaven. God is the humblest being in the universe and his loving humility emanates “Paradise.” Pride and bitterness are poison pills in marriage. Learn to hate and reject them in every interaction with your spouse.
When you’ve said or done something wrong, humbly confess it. Freely forgive your mate’s shortcomings. If you forgive each other as God has forgiven you, a richness of love and companionship blossoms. Go further than “I’m sorry.” Make it “please forgive me” and name the wrong attitude or action. Then hold each other tenderly in arms of grace and watch your unity deepen.
- Marry in purity or second-chance virginity.
Sex before marriage cheapens the relationship, like testing out used cars. Save sexual intimacy for the one God has chosen for you. Then enjoy the greatest and most complete expression of love on earth–heart (will), soul (emotions), mind (thoughts), and strength (body). Make sexual intimacy a regular “dessert after a good meal” in your relationship.
If you take past sexual baggage into wedlock, be honest about it with your fiance, cover it with grace, and marry as “second chance virgins” in the will of God.
- Serve each other unselfishly.
One key to a great marriage is to unselfishly serve one another. Be willing to do the chores your spouse doesn’t like to do. You are in the relationship to serve, not to be served. Prefer them and their needs over your own. If both of you live to serve and please the other, great blessings follow. One servant heart in a marriage can keep it together. Both spouses serving each other (and their family) create a bond you will deeply cherish.
- Develop good rhythms as a couple catered to each other’s desires.
Establish patterns of life together that create security and stability. Shirley and I have our morning quiet times in our living room. We then share breakfast by reading five (short) devotionals. At this stage in life, we shop together on Tuesdays and Saturdays and stay in contact by text/phone on busier days.
We end most evenings in each other’s presence with a wholesome television show and a time of prayer before bed. Date nights, extended-family gatherings, and seasonal traditions are the icing on the cake of “being one.” Each married couple has a “style” or rhythm. Make them consistent and endearing to each other.
- Keep God at the center in every stage of life.
We met in a revival where God was everywhere present. I loved Shirley’s prayers, mercy, and love from the moment I experienced them. She appreciated my faith and leadership. We have kept Jesus at the center of our lives in conversation, values, family upbringing and traditions, prayer, reading God’s Word, church and missions involvement, and in numerous wonderful friendships for half century.
We taught our kids early on, “Jesus first, yourself last, and others in between,” as a golden rule of living. Now, we cherish fifty years of married love because of the salvation and presence of Jesus in our lives.
All glory to God for his amazing gift of marriage. It’s a wonderful “warm-up” to becoming the bride of Christ in eternity.