Letter to a Homosexual Friend

A week ago the state of Washington became the seventh state in the U.S. to approve homosexual marriage. It was done by a bill passed in the legislature and signed by the governor.

Both a referendum and an initiative have been filed to give the people a vote on the matter. If enough signatures are gathered, the vote will take place during the November elections. So far, not one state in America has legitimized homosexual behavior by a vote of the people.

The future of marriage is both a legal issue and a personal one. I believe it is critical for people of faith to align themselves with truth on the law side and with grace on the personal one. Actually. truth and grace are manifestations of the same heart motivation: the love of God.

A number of homosexuals are dialoguing with me because of my involvement in this issue. I thought it might be helpful to share one of those dialogues with you.

Below is a letter from and to a homosexual who contacted me--a woman who is a lesbian. I have changed her name to protect her identity. She has questions about the 1st Amendment (separation of church and state) and a belief that marriage is a "civil right."She says she has been "cruelly" persecuted by Christians and appeals to me to put away the Old Testament teachings and treat her and other homosexuals with "love."

Her main point is that she is "in love" or "naturally falls in love" with women, so homosexual relationships must be okay. This is the primary argument that homosexuals use in today's debate (along with the argument of equality).

If she's right, who can speak against love? How can people go against their feelings?

Our conversation is civil and polite. That's the grace part--and very important. We must always treat every human being with the dignity and respect they deserve being made in the image of God. However, I also share with her God's perspective on love and marriage. God is the author of the "definitions." If I go by my definition of love, I'll make many mistakes in life. If I go by His--as wonderfully revealed in the Bible--I will never go wrong.

I'm still learning and would love to hear from you. How do you engage with homosexual friends? How do you balance sharing truth but doing so with grace?

May this dialogue encourage all of us to think through the issue of marriage and human sexuality and to  "engage" people as Jesus would do.

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(The following letters are both unedited.)

Dear Ron,

I pray that Jesus give us discernment, believing the Lord to protect our hearts while engaging in compassionate, thoughtful debate. I am a Christian. I fully support the right of Churches to discriminate based on sexual orientation according to their doctrine. I fully support the right of religious institutions to define marriage as a sacrament between 1 man and 1 woman according to their constitutional rights as religious institutions. I fully respect the right of a Church to deny gays/lesbians access to Holy Matrimony.  But in 1802, Thomas Jefferson's letter to the Danbury Baptist Association referring to the 1st amendment read:

"... I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between Church & State."



 The Constitution guarantees all citizens, regardless of circumstance of any kind, equal protection from discrimination and equal access to civil liberties. Civil marriage is a civil liberty. Holy Matrimony is not.  I have often wondered, If the bible said that heterosexuality was a sin, could I learn to fall in love with another woman, could I keep from falling in love with a man?

What would it be like to wake up every morning knowing I couldn’t marry the one I love?..could not tell anyone for fear of being ostracized?..had to beg God to take the love from my heart to stop the pain of having to choose between him and God? If he was in an accident and the hospital refused me visitation because I wasn't next of kin? If his family refused to let me see him because they disproved of us?

The truth is, I know how it feels. I’m gay. I have suffered, and recovered from, enormous rejection and cruelty at the hands of my fellow Christians. When I was 5, I asked my baby sitter if she would marry me when I grew up...not because I lusted after her, but because I had a crush on her. In first grade, and 4th, I had crushes on my female teachers. I was born that way...it’s not about sex, it’s about who you fall in love with and I guarantee you...we’re born that way...at least those of us who fall in love are.

Anyone can have sex with a member of the same gender if they choose, but falling in love is not a choice. We no longer cut off our hands or pluck out our eyes when they cause us to sin. We no longer stone adulterers to death. We no longer offer burnt offerings to God. Why then do we have to persecute our Homosexual brothers and sisters? The law of God is written on the hearts of men. To Love is the only command Jesus gave. The old covenant died on the cross. Let’s let it go and lose the judgement of each other and get the planks out of our own eyes.

Love and blessings to you all, and thanks for reading.

Jennifer               

Hi, Jennifer,

Thanks for taking the time to write. I appreciate your perspective and your struggles. I have a number of homosexual friends, including some that I am very close to. So I know where you're coming from.

I simply have to disagree with you on a number of points. Marriage is not a civil right--it is a privilege granted by the state to provide social stability and protect children. By definition, it is the "joining" of a man and woman together. To use John Stott's words, it a "reunion" of a man and woman that God created out of one of them--Adam. Marriage was God's idea, not a human creation.

Marriage was designed by God to protect us all from wrong sexual choices. All sex outside of it (fornication, adultery, incest, homosexuality, pedophilia, and bestiality) are personally and socially destructive. Both empirical studies and revelation confirm that fact. God loves people enough to not want them to destroy themselves. That's why he created marriage.

So what do people do who have "abnormal sexual desires?" This doesn't just apply to homosexuals. I'm a married man, but I could be "drawn" or "fall in love" with another women (adultery). I know adults that are drawn sexually to children (pedophilia). I know of people who are sexually drawn to animals. I am aware of a number of cases of incest. So what are we all to do--those of us who live in a world of destructive sexual temptations?

If we love God and want to please him, then we have three choices:

•     We can ask God to help change our unnatural desires. In the case of homosexuality, the latest and biggest study ever done showed a 30% success rate in homosexuals changing their orientation. Change is possible in many people. This is the perspective of Romans 7 & 8.

•     Even if our feelings don't totally change, we can support and participate in God-given marriage. Life is filled with "dying to self" and "living for God." It can be done within the marriage relationship.

•     And if that is not possible, then the committed follower of Christ can remain single and celibate--while enjoying many close and loving relationships. I know many people who struggle with sexual temptations who have chosen this option. In fact, there is a church in our area that has a discipleship group of people with homosexual temptations who have made this very choice.

None of these things are easy, but all things are possible through Christ. Sex is not an end-all. This life is very short. You can love many people fully and deeply, without committing sexual sin with them.

The bottom line is whether you love God enough to die to your sinful desires and live to please Christ.

I also thank you for listening--and will be praying for you. May God lead into the freedom and blessing of obedience to Him..

Love,

Ron

Comments

[LA]

Two things mentioned in Jennifer's letter and perhaps not directly mentioned in Ron's letter are:
1. She says she was "Born that way."
2. She says it is not about sex, but about love.

Ron addresses the sexual issue. But I would like for him to address the other two points above to help clarify to me how do I speak about those things to homosexual friends and family.

Also, Jennifer says she is a Christian, so I have two more questions regarding that:

1. How do you believe in Christ, but not believe His truth?
2. How do you speak to those about God's relational truth in creation and when they reject God?

Thank you!

LA

[Steve W]

Hi Ron, Thank you for this post. We just had this discussion / message at church this past Sunday in light of the recent gay marriage legislation passed in our state. We discussed the heinous response from the Westboro Baptist Church (Who later negotioated an alternate platform from which to express their views) and the appropriate response of a Christian, not just to this lifestyle but to gays as human beings. They are God's creation; worthy of respect, dignity and love. That said, as Christians who embrace every "jot & tittle" of the Scripture we struggle with how to speak truth in love while maintaining healthy relationships and constructive dialgue with our gay friends. While the Word of God is infallible that does not negate the fact that we can learn from the hearts and experiences of individuals from the gay community. At the same time we can respectfully request that they allow us our deeply held convictions. My prayer is that dignity, respect and love be a two-way street between our "camps".